PoeSlinger XP ™
"Listen, hon, you’re a writer, right? That means you like coffee, right? Come on over here by the machine. Let me buy you a cup. That’s it, come here. Look, I’m a psychologist; I know all about this stuff. Have I got a deal for you! Okay, okay, so maybe you heard I had a little trouble in the past with certain things. But that’s all behind me now. I paid my debt. I’m clean, alright? Alright! Listen, what I got, you gotta have, you being a writer, and all.
"What’s your thing? I mean, you into prose or poetry? Fiction or real stuff? I got packages that cover the waterfront. Just for a test run, pick something. Go on.
"No, really.
"Good coffee, isn’t it? Let me buy you another cup. Okay, doppio, mo-ka, ca-pu-chee-no, no-fat, lat-tay, ex-press-o, ess-tra, caff-in-ato, hey, what’s this button, Coretto? It want’s a ten dollar bill? Gee..., what’ll they think of next? That’s what I want to talk to you about. I got programs make anything you ever used look like chopped liver. Yeah, country patê,
it’s what I meant. You would not believe the research that went into this. I don’t believe it myself, and I did a bunch of it. See, I knew you wouldn’t believe it. Trust me, I’m a
psychologist. I know about this stuff.
"Hit something.
"Poetry! There y’go! Oh, man, am I glad you picked that. The poetry program is one of my special favorites because of how I love verse. No, it’s true! But would you believe, I can’t write a line? It’s true! Sit me down with your best IBM clone or Apple Mac and I’m totally stymied. But with PoeSlinger XP, I’m Tolstoy or Rachmaninoff.
"Right, handles song-lyrics, too. You’re catching on. So, whad’y use? Yellow, legal tablets? Listen, not even the courts use legal-size paper any more. But what was good enough for Emily Dickens is good enough for me, that is if I could write verse without PoeSlinger XP.
"XP, no, nothing to do with them, though that’s a very fine company and I don’t have a thing to say about it. Xenogeneric Publisher. It’s the most advanced product on the market. Believe me, certain companies tried to buy this up. And Hollywood, who knows, they might get control of it yet. You might be one of the few, if you act now. But listen, you got a lap? You’re half-way to a lap-top. And you want to jump on it, because soon everybody’s going to want it and I can’t guarantee exclusivity, unless..., if you wanted to purchase certain rights...
"But that’s another matter.
"Okay, the way it worked is this. A bunch of we poetry lovers get together with a bunch of us industrial psychologists and we figure what the average person-on-the-street feels when he...or she... reads different words–the feeling value of every word in Webster. That’s the affective valence or AV, got that? Okay, but if every word in what you’re saying has the same AV, it don’t sound right, even if they’re all very high AV. What you want is playing the changes, a little variation, right? So us industrial psychologists got together and worked out the patterns for representative samples of different great writers.
"We’re talking poets here, right? Poets, you gotta love ‘em! Look, what do we got? Malarm, Shelley, we got Kates...Keets, is it...and Malar-may? All right, I can tell you know these guys, how good they are. Glance down this list, see anybody you like special? Kipling, you like Kipling? Oh, you never Kipled. Yeah, right. So you hit Kipling like this and...you ought to see the paradigms flashing inside this thing...so, and...just a sec, it’ll load up..., these are very complicated equations we use as industrious psychologists.... There we go!
"What d’you like, I mean– you free verse or formal stuff? No, really, you can set it for anything. Formal! Then this little drop-down box– okay, quadrangle– lets you pick a form. ABBA or ABAB? You know about that? Right. Punch it in like this. Okay, piece of cake, isn’t it? Metrics or feet? Common Market or American, it can handle anything. Seven feet’s good; look, it goes up to eight. Lines end-stopped, masculine– pardon the reference– that’s default, so we’ll just leave that the way it is. You okay with iambics? I like spondaics, myself, probably a guy thing.
"Now give me a word to get started. The is a very good word, give me another word. See that? Not in the Kipling vocab, so pick some other word. "Sun, okay, now you look up here and you got a choice of next words, so as to stick with the AV algorism for Kipling. It’s a pretty long list, but just to demonstrate the way PoeSlinger XP works, pick something. Okay, you got The sun comes..., and you like Up, and Like, What’s that? Thunder. You want that to be A Thunder? We got a flash, indicating something.... Right, notice the red mark? That’s MeterMaid showing you got some sort of hitch in there. You can go back over and smooth it out later. But you can do it, you get a shorter list, though. Mug, really? Of..., China..., In..., The..., Bay. You’re really getting the hang of it, I got to say.
"Romanticism’s a dead art. Well, some people do think that’s a good thing, sure. It is over-rated, romance, that’s so true.
"Okay, line-break, you hit this thing. Let’s do the next one. Big selection. Since..., My..., Baby..., Left..., Me..., Like..., Ash..., It..., Line-break again. You’re doing great, but, see, you violated the End-stop Rule, you want to change to Enjambment or...good. Just go up to Line...and click..., go for it.
"So, yeah, good! Lookit, you got yourself a fine little poem there. It really rhymes, don’t it?
The sun comes up like a thunder mug of china in the bay
since my sweet, ever-lovin’ man left me to float like ash. It
seems he likes to ride the wide ass of Pholly with fat bits,
so I must sigh for loneliness and let his plastic pay.
"Except for that third one, but you know what? You can take a freebie for poetic license. Here, you keep it, because I can tell you lived a hard life. Grab that print-out.
"I do take credit cards; how’d you know? Well, I only got six copies of PoeSlinger XP with me. I can let you have those, easy. That’s only six hundred, after all, and we got to add on something for Uncle Sugar. Don’t want to get on the wrong side of him.
"Well, yeah, you do need a computer to use these.... Now, this is a very expensive unit. No, I wouldn’t care either, not after how he probably treated you. Tell you what, three thousand, and I’ll throw in this handy case.
"No, really, it’s on the house.
"What’s your thing? I mean, you into prose or poetry? Fiction or real stuff? I got packages that cover the waterfront. Just for a test run, pick something. Go on.
"No, really.
"Good coffee, isn’t it? Let me buy you another cup. Okay, doppio, mo-ka, ca-pu-chee-no, no-fat, lat-tay, ex-press-o, ess-tra, caff-in-ato, hey, what’s this button, Coretto? It want’s a ten dollar bill? Gee..., what’ll they think of next? That’s what I want to talk to you about. I got programs make anything you ever used look like chopped liver. Yeah, country patê,
it’s what I meant. You would not believe the research that went into this. I don’t believe it myself, and I did a bunch of it. See, I knew you wouldn’t believe it. Trust me, I’m a
psychologist. I know about this stuff.
"Hit something.
"Poetry! There y’go! Oh, man, am I glad you picked that. The poetry program is one of my special favorites because of how I love verse. No, it’s true! But would you believe, I can’t write a line? It’s true! Sit me down with your best IBM clone or Apple Mac and I’m totally stymied. But with PoeSlinger XP, I’m Tolstoy or Rachmaninoff.
"Right, handles song-lyrics, too. You’re catching on. So, whad’y use? Yellow, legal tablets? Listen, not even the courts use legal-size paper any more. But what was good enough for Emily Dickens is good enough for me, that is if I could write verse without PoeSlinger XP.
"XP, no, nothing to do with them, though that’s a very fine company and I don’t have a thing to say about it. Xenogeneric Publisher. It’s the most advanced product on the market. Believe me, certain companies tried to buy this up. And Hollywood, who knows, they might get control of it yet. You might be one of the few, if you act now. But listen, you got a lap? You’re half-way to a lap-top. And you want to jump on it, because soon everybody’s going to want it and I can’t guarantee exclusivity, unless..., if you wanted to purchase certain rights...
"But that’s another matter.
"Okay, the way it worked is this. A bunch of we poetry lovers get together with a bunch of us industrial psychologists and we figure what the average person-on-the-street feels when he...or she... reads different words–the feeling value of every word in Webster. That’s the affective valence or AV, got that? Okay, but if every word in what you’re saying has the same AV, it don’t sound right, even if they’re all very high AV. What you want is playing the changes, a little variation, right? So us industrial psychologists got together and worked out the patterns for representative samples of different great writers.
"We’re talking poets here, right? Poets, you gotta love ‘em! Look, what do we got? Malarm, Shelley, we got Kates...Keets, is it...and Malar-may? All right, I can tell you know these guys, how good they are. Glance down this list, see anybody you like special? Kipling, you like Kipling? Oh, you never Kipled. Yeah, right. So you hit Kipling like this and...you ought to see the paradigms flashing inside this thing...so, and...just a sec, it’ll load up..., these are very complicated equations we use as industrious psychologists.... There we go!
"What d’you like, I mean– you free verse or formal stuff? No, really, you can set it for anything. Formal! Then this little drop-down box– okay, quadrangle– lets you pick a form. ABBA or ABAB? You know about that? Right. Punch it in like this. Okay, piece of cake, isn’t it? Metrics or feet? Common Market or American, it can handle anything. Seven feet’s good; look, it goes up to eight. Lines end-stopped, masculine– pardon the reference– that’s default, so we’ll just leave that the way it is. You okay with iambics? I like spondaics, myself, probably a guy thing.
"Now give me a word to get started. The is a very good word, give me another word. See that? Not in the Kipling vocab, so pick some other word. "Sun, okay, now you look up here and you got a choice of next words, so as to stick with the AV algorism for Kipling. It’s a pretty long list, but just to demonstrate the way PoeSlinger XP works, pick something. Okay, you got The sun comes..., and you like Up, and Like, What’s that? Thunder. You want that to be A Thunder? We got a flash, indicating something.... Right, notice the red mark? That’s MeterMaid showing you got some sort of hitch in there. You can go back over and smooth it out later. But you can do it, you get a shorter list, though. Mug, really? Of..., China..., In..., The..., Bay. You’re really getting the hang of it, I got to say.
"Romanticism’s a dead art. Well, some people do think that’s a good thing, sure. It is over-rated, romance, that’s so true.
"Okay, line-break, you hit this thing. Let’s do the next one. Big selection. Since..., My..., Baby..., Left..., Me..., Like..., Ash..., It..., Line-break again. You’re doing great, but, see, you violated the End-stop Rule, you want to change to Enjambment or...good. Just go up to Line...and click..., go for it.
"So, yeah, good! Lookit, you got yourself a fine little poem there. It really rhymes, don’t it?
The sun comes up like a thunder mug of china in the bay
since my sweet, ever-lovin’ man left me to float like ash. It
seems he likes to ride the wide ass of Pholly with fat bits,
so I must sigh for loneliness and let his plastic pay.
"Except for that third one, but you know what? You can take a freebie for poetic license. Here, you keep it, because I can tell you lived a hard life. Grab that print-out.
"I do take credit cards; how’d you know? Well, I only got six copies of PoeSlinger XP with me. I can let you have those, easy. That’s only six hundred, after all, and we got to add on something for Uncle Sugar. Don’t want to get on the wrong side of him.
"Well, yeah, you do need a computer to use these.... Now, this is a very expensive unit. No, I wouldn’t care either, not after how he probably treated you. Tell you what, three thousand, and I’ll throw in this handy case.
"No, really, it’s on the house.